gala_apples ([info]gala_apples) wrote,
@ 2009-07-01 18:25:00
Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend  Next Entry
right, so bursting into tears while talking to kalaya about how much i miss jason and rachel and vince wasn't embarassing at all, except for the part where it totally was. so i hung up. then she called me back, and i cried for a bit longer.

but she did suggest that if i was scared to call i could email them. so here's to hoping they reply.

fandomly speaking, i cannot look at crossfest prompts until i finish like 3 other fics that have actual close deadlines. but there will be fic-o-plenty. (only partially because it distracts me from rl)

(9 comments) - (Post a new comment)


[info]noeon
2009-07-02 12:11 am UTC (link)
Chica, why are you so wound up about this? Is there some terrible falling out I missed?

I am so glad you have someone to talk to about it. And yes, email is good when phone is hard. *hugs preemptively*

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]gala_apples
2009-07-02 12:38 am UTC (link)
um, only an imagined one. maybe, unless it's it's real.

see, the real problem is i've got BPD http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder#DSM-IV-TR_criteria is the article, but i'll skip to the personally important bits.

3- unstable image of self combines with 2 idealization of friends, so when i'm not around them i don't really know who i am/how to be happy.
6&7 (high anxiety and worthlessness) combine at these times to make me a complete wreck.
9 stress related paranoia/delusions makes me think there's a chance i do have prophetic dreams, hence the terror of calling them.
all of this works it's way into 1, which is me being utterly terrified of losing them.

vince recently moved in with jason and rachel, something i have been fearing for over a year, because i'm scared of being left out. so all my mental issues have combined with this real factor and i can't call them because i'm scared and insane, they haven't called me for whatever reason but i of course fear it's because they no longer like me, they probably think i'm not calling them because i'm trying to start drama (when i do the other side of the worship/destest i often take the phone off the hook for days at a time so they can't contact me) and i don't know how i can fix it. aside from calling them, which i CAN'T.

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

[info]noeon
2009-07-02 07:45 pm UTC (link)
*hugs*

That sounds very stressful for you. It's good you know why it's happening and you have a handle on your criteria, but it doesn't make what's going on any less intense, does it?

I can see how you'd be afraid of being left out. That's always an issue with friends but especially if you're convinced they're going to abandon you anyway. Looking over that list, I can see how general parts of that are behaviors that lots of us have, but the combination is really hard.

Email is lookin' pretty good.

xxx

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

[info]gala_apples
2009-07-02 10:29 pm UTC (link)
the thing is, i know i'm full of crap. 95% of the time we have a issue, it's me completely over reacting to something. i've started so much useless drama over the last five years that i wouldn't be surprised if they got fed up with it. hell, i would.

it's just, i had such bad friends before i met jason and vince. and then i did, and the last five years have been amazing. i was one of those people that peaked in highschool/college, and i try to tell myself i can survive without them, but what... am i going to spend the next 60 years working an 8-4 watching tv and eating dinner and going to bed?

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]nuclearsugars
2009-07-02 10:14 pm UTC (link)
*hugs* Lovely, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I'll get on that Hugo/Lysander for you STAT.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]gala_apples
2009-07-02 10:31 pm UTC (link)
it's alright, i've felt like this before and it'll happen again. you don't have to write anything you aren't in the mood to write.

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

[info]nuclearsugars
2009-07-02 10:34 pm UTC (link)
*pokes* Darling, after all the fic you've written me, it's really no problem. I need to get back into a serious writing groove, I've just been hating every single thing I've recently written. But that's my own neurosis most likely.

I'm thinking of you, dear. Seriously.

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

[info]gala_apples
2009-07-02 10:49 pm UTC (link)
post it anyway. the worst thing that could happen is you get no comments for it.

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

[info]nuclearsugars
2009-07-02 10:50 pm UTC (link)
There's the problem, I just delete everything and don't get around to finishing it because I'm like "this fucking sucks, why are you even writing?"

Whatever, I'm off work in ten minutes and then I can get stoned.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

(9 comments) - (Post a new comment)

Create an Account
Forgot your login or password?
Login w/ OpenID
English • Español • Deutsch • Русский…