gala_apples ([info]gala_apples) wrote,
@ 2008-09-07 04:24:00
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on friday i found out a girl i used to be best friends with and now hate was hanging out with rachel and jason. me and vince were together, and we were supposed to go hang out with them later, but as soon as i found out about her i wanted to bail. i got so stressed i went to the bathroom and self harmed, and came out bleeding. and he just looked at me. sometimes i want to ask what it would take to ask me if i was okay. i can't remember him ever asking that. in close to five years of friendship. but i can't ask, because i'm too scared that he'd not ask anyway. leaving things unsaid is sometimes better then knowing your answer.

what would it take? honestly, i just want to know. because coming out of the bathroom dripping with blood isn't good enough. does it take being hospitalised? does it take a suicide attempt? fucksakes, would he even come to my fucking funeral? i just get SO MAD at him sometimes, and i don't think he even notices. i want him to try to call me this week to hang out, and i want to not answer. i want to not talk to him for a month, until he apoligises for making me feel worthless. but he never will, because he doesn't even understand how much he hurts me. this friendship is a lose-lose situation, because even if i do ignore him, he won't care, because he has so many other friends to hang out with. and lets not forget the S.O. like the last entry explained, nothing can be more important then the S.O.

it just sucks to be so mad, because i can never confront him. he wouldn't understand why i'm mad. i don't know if it's a female thing, or if it's just a me thing. i fucking hate it so much. life is seriously nothing but god laughing at you, wondering how he can cause you more pain.

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[info]_profiterole_
2008-09-07 01:30 pm UTC (link)
*cuddles* I don't know how to make you feel better, but really, take care of your health. Even if you feel depressed, cutting won't help you. Guys suck at communication, I'm sure he's worried about you but doesn't know how to say it and thinks it might make things worse to talk about it. *hugs*

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[info]gala_apples
2008-09-10 11:25 pm UTC (link)
when i got home sunday, i got really worried about myself, and decided on my day off school, i'd go to a mood disorders walk in clinic place. we think we know what's wrong with me, but like i've explained in my newest entry, i can't actually do anything about it. *sigh* the world of mental unhealth confuses me.

part of the disorder is that you look up to friends like gods, then get irrationally mad when they fail. which was basically exactly what friday and saturday was. i think i'm going to call him and be like "we need to talk about shit, when's a good time?" boys (at least mine) tend to need to be prodded more.

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[info]_profiterole_
2008-09-11 05:32 am UTC (link)
Knowing what the exact problem is might help you deal with it better.

It's good that you want to talk with him, it'll make things better. *hugs*

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[info]hpsauce
2008-09-08 08:11 am UTC (link)
I think sometimes it's just hard to know what to say.

When I get stressed/depressed/whatever, I hate when people ask me if I'm okay. It is possibly the worst thing that anyone could ever say. I turn into rage personified the second someone asks it.

So, because people react differently to the question, I think it's always a bit awkward.

That said, I'm going to chime in with my fellow commenters and say 'men are shit with emotions' because, well, most of the time it is true. The 'I'll leave him to work out what is wrong' thing really doesn't work. Unless you explain why you're pissed with them they just feel hurt and confused and don't apologise because they don't know what they're meant to be apologising for.

But really, a confrontation would probably be better than trying to give him the silent treatment/cold shoulder when he probably won't understand why.

And darling, he would notice. I always think that about certain friends. I have very popular friends who I stop myself from asking out on adventures because I'm always sure they're busy. And when I see them next, they bound over, leap on me and go 'bloody hell! i haven't see you in aaaages! i missed you sooooo much!' and, really, friends notice if you're not there - that's why you're friends - especially since you've been friends for a long time, you'll probably have become like an extra limb by now :P

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[info]hpsauce
2008-09-08 08:12 am UTC (link)
Also, as always.
Take care of yourself.
I love you.
*snuggles*

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[info]gala_apples
2008-09-10 11:28 pm UTC (link)
*sniff* i wish you were in my real life. you'd be one of the ones that would call and want to hang out all the time. i think i'm going to call him later, be like we need to talk about shit without jason and rachel and ross. when's a good time?

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[info]coconut_ice22
2008-09-08 10:56 pm UTC (link)
Wow, it has got worse =( *sends hugs*. Are you really sure you don't want to mention anything to him about any of this? To any of them? They suck at understanding stuff, but something like "she's a super bitch whore" might work? Oh I hope it would. You do at least know what is exactly pissing you off, nothing worse than trying to work that out.

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[info]gala_apples
2008-09-10 11:34 pm UTC (link)
actually, that wasn't much of the problem. she was there from 12.30 at night when we got there, until about 3.30 when she took a cab home. and we spent nearly the entire time ripping on her, making jokes about how slutty she was. except she is, and none of us were really joking. and then after she left, rachel who is jason's current gf and roommate was telling us how the entire time she was there before me and vince showed up, jess completely ignored her. jess is the ex. the problem on friday was more "okay, i just spent twenty minutes in the bathroom scratching at myself until i bled, i came out and all you said was 'hmm' i thought you were supposed to care", and the sat night problem was even more stupid.

the shiny new diagnosis i just got, one of the criteria of having it was you look up to friends as gods, expect too much, and get irrationally sad or angry when they "fail" you. which i have in copious amounts.

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