it's all
about the kink
illwill press

October 12th, 2013 at 1:11am


LIKE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. 12 years later and every page still makes me laugh. Those two books were responsible for my entire sense of humor developing.


i don't even know what to do with myself right now.
i honestly screamed. i woke up my parents.
my dad asked if i "was having feels"
at least he understands my language?

take a bite of my apple?

October 8th, 2013 at 12:36am
The hard part about Yuletide is separating my OHHH THAT'S AVAILABLE into two columns.

column 1) yes, i can write this/yes i have already written this in the past
column 2) this canon is amazing

column two, of course implying that I don't have the skill to write said fandom.


I have little to zero ability to write historical fic, even fantastical historical. I can read every book T.P.'s ever written until the covers wear out (Daja's book in the first Circle quartet I am looking at you), and I can pay the extra hundred to have a lunch speech with her at a con, but that doesn't mean I can fucking WRITE IT. Or the Chrestomanci series, good luck trying to write in the era that Christopher and Tacroy are from, self.

Oh, and how much to I want to sign up for Clockwork Orange fic? A LOT. How much do I think I could write? Less than 100 words.

(accurate icon is accurate- if you're on DW)
take a bite of my apple?

October 3rd, 2013 at 6:47pm
For the tattoo square on my bingo card I made icons of that scene from Elementary where Sherlock is giving himself a tattoo.

Read more...Collapse )

For the wildcard square I picked shoe/foot fetish and drew some art for Sophia Burset for Orange Is The New Black.

Read more...Collapse )
take a bite of my apple?

September 26th, 2013 at 5:16pm
I was feeling super anxious when I woke up this morning so I hitched a ride with my dad who was driving my mom to the gym and got him to drop me off at the mall so I could have hot cinnamon mini-doughnuts for breakfast, and now I'm reading Gabe Saporta/Pete Wentz fic and writing transgender fic for a fandom that doesn't have any trans fic.

When I finally get a therapist I think they'll find my coping mechanisms confusing.
7 has perishedhave perished take a bite of my apple?

September 14th, 2013 at 6:23pm
Okay, but why are there no Elementary/White Collar crossover fics?

I mean there's a hot Joan/Diana one, but it's just pwp. There could be epically beautiful case fic. I've read a few WC/British Sherlock fics, but it's more difficult to justify those, because well, they're separated by an ocean. Sherlock and Joan are IN NEW YORK. Peter and Gregson can commiserate about annoying consultants. Or Joan and Christie could have been in the same residency program. And Sherlock would be all LOOKITME I'M SMART AND DEDUCE ALLLL THE THINGS. And Neal would be like 'your wardrobe is worse than Peter's and physically pains me. But I like your instinct.' And Alfredo and Neal and Mozzie can be car-breaking buddies!

Or like, if you wanna get dark about it, Neal or Mozzie or Alex or Kate could have worked with Irene Adler, back when she was restoring paintings. She canonically "liberated" famous paintings from galleries that were going to restore them poorly. Neal would TOTALLY get behind that. And then she'd go missing and Mozzie would have all these conspiracy theories about how the cop she was dating probably did it.

I just. Ugh, there's so much potential but I can't write it because it requires knowledge of either art, medicine, or law. And I have zero of the above.

(otherwise known as I finished marathoning season one just in time for season two, and I highly HIGHLY enjoyed a few of those last plot twists, but fandom seems to be a lot of Joan/Sherlock and I like them as besties better)(and also Needs Maor ms Hudson and Alfredo.)
2 has perishedhave perished take a bite of my apple?

September 12th, 2013 at 2:23am
I'm sad :(

I really really love the concept of Night Vale. The more I see recced on my tumblr the more intrigued I feel about it. On the other hand, the more I see recced the sadder I feel.

It's a fandom I'll never be able to get into. I checked, there's currently 600 minutes of canon. I can barely sit for a 15 minute podfic. Now, if it was transcribed somewhere, I'd read the fucking shit out of it. But there's no way I can retain that much info spoken out loud. My brain just doesn't work that way.

I think my only answer is to blacklist WTNV on tumblr. That way I don't sigh all emo-like every second post.
4 has perishedhave perished take a bite of my apple?

September 1st, 2013 at 1:05am
When you spend like an hour researching the different kind of top and bottom surgeries available for female to male transgendered people, and their costs, and in which places they'd most likely be able to get them...

And then you read that the success rate of phalloplasties have increased substantially over the last few years, that now patients can actually retain erotic sensation, and it hits you DUUUH, your MC is not getting this surgery NOW, they're doing it when they were in their twenties...

And then you hurry to the fandom wikia, and you realise she was born in 1977, making her need to start hormones in 1993 before she gets the surgery...

And then you go to wikipedia, and realise that transgendered people were only legally allowed to marry starting in 1976, and the chances of there being skilled surgeons for anything in 1995 are probably pretty fucking low, and your entire fic is derailed.

I'd say whatever, it's fine, he'll just have had top surgery to pull off a dapper suit with no complicated/dangerous bottom surgery, except no. I can't. The entire fucking point is that post-prison no one knows, which means they needed to go to a male prison which means they need a goddamn penis in the mid-nineties.


You know what? fuck it. fuck it fuck it fuck it. This is supposed to be a 1k kink bingo fill, spending more time researching it than writing it is fucking sad. I'm just going to write in the AN that the author failed at research and is cognizant of the fuckups, but is handwaving.
take a bite of my apple?

August 28th, 2013 at 2:44am
So I've added another OTP to my thin, thin list of 'will not ship with others'. But in a rare happenstance, it seems to be the fandom's OTP too. I haven't felt this way since... (I've sat here for literally five minutes going over my fandoms trying to think of a fandom in which the main pairing was my favourite pairing. I've got nothin'.)

White Collar, Neal/Elizabeth/Peter, welcome to the ranks of

X-Men Bobby/John
Skins Sid/Tony
MacDonald Hall Bruno/Boots (okay, this is the main fandom pairing but it barely counts because it's a Yuletide fandom, there are only 50 fics total)

Also I OTP Avengers Tony/Pepper, but I firmly believe that they have an open relationship. So like, allllll the science bros|Avengers sixsome|Tony/Rhodey|Pepper/Natasha|Pepper/Coulson, they just know about each other's exploits and encourage their fun.

Pete/Neal fic with the info tag "Elizabeth's dead" I am side-eyeing you SO HARD, you don't even know. Also author I remember you from HP and you killed off Hermione more than once to get Harry and Ron together. Stop it. This is a bad trend. *more side-eyes*

ETA: I apparently also have a broTP of Neal+Mozzie. This one fic says they stopped being friends and I said "no, you are wrong" out loud then clicked out. <3Nozzie broship<3
4 has perishedhave perished take a bite of my apple?

August 27th, 2013 at 4:27am
This fic is so good it feels like I'm stoned.

And I don't mean that in the way that would seem obvious; a well written drug scene that makes me flash back. I mean it like...

Okay, so I used to be baked all. The. Time. And usually I'd be doing other things with friends, but I've always been and will always be the one to stay up latest. My natural body rhythm has me sleeping with the sun; I go to bed at 6am and get up at 3pm. It's possible it's a sleeping disorder, but that's not my point. My point is we'd smoke all day evening and night, and then they'd go to bed, and I'd be up for another hour or two, logging into LJ, reading.

And occasionally, while reading stoned, there'd be a fic that would BLOW MY MIND. It was so fucking eloquent and perfect and JFC how was this even possible? Of course, being a stoner, I had these moments with movies and subversive cartoons and tastes and music too. (there's nothing like a Christmas orange while stoned) I'd reread a passage five or six times, not because I was dumb and had a permastoned fried brain, but because I wanted to experience it fully, let every word set in my mind.

The fic I'm reading now is a really well done poly fic, and it's currently having a moment where two of the characters are experiencing cognitive dissonance with each other. (of sorts, I'm sure there's a more accurate word for it but I can't think of it) They've both thought the same way for such a long time only to realise that the other doesn't agree, and they can't bridge that disconnect. But they're trying to talk through it.

And it's such a good scene. It's so fucking spectacular that I feel like I'm that stoned teenager going WHAT SORCERY IS THIS??? at something that will only be half as awesome when I'm sober. Except I'm already sober.

In conclusion: I love reading fics. I haven't felt this sense of wonder in a long time, and it figures that it would be fandom that gives me it.
take a bite of my apple?

August 23rd, 2013 at 3:28am
As always, as I get to the end of my season 2 Stargate Atlantis DVDs I start to scramble for a way to watch season 3 (and 4 and 5). Yesterday I checked:
-Best Buy
-Future Shop
for the cheapest price. Unsurprisingly Ebay was the best deal, 25 instead of 36 like everywhere else. And then I checked my Paypal and sighed and closed everything.

Today I watched a few more eps, and got more desperate. The last time this happened I ended up renting all the discs at Blockbuster, but that's not a place anymore. So I said fuck it, I will relook up prices on ebay and strongly consider it.

Ebay crashed.

I tentatively took it as a ~sign~ and looked up DLs. 93 seeds to 385 leechers. FML.

And I know what you're saying. Watch tv online, dummy. But my computer has some sort of selective internet problem, where I can DL like 800kb/s, but it totally refuses to buffer anything. At all. The last time Vince came over it literally took more time to watch the first five minutes of OUAT S2 streaming with all the buffering problems than it did to download the entire season.

Honest to god, I wish it was 5 years ago. I would have just recorded it from the tv onto VHS tapes and then watched it later/now. It would have been glorious.
1 has perishedhave perished take a bite of my apple?

August 16th, 2013 at 6:55am
Okay, so thanks to Coconutice, the best fandom buddy in the world, I got a copy of Ironman 3 about two weeks before the first scheduled release of it.

Now, I don't know how many people I complained about this to, but when it first came out I was kinda broke, and I figured I could see it once at Famous Players, or for the same amount of money, five times at the second run theatre. And I knew it was gonna be the kind of movie I'd want to watch multiple times. So I waited. And waited. And waited. And it was at Famous Players FOREVER, lingering, and then it just stopped. It didn't go to Cinema City. And the level of my pouting was epic. EPIC.

But Coconut_ice found me a DL, and it finished downloading at 3.48. It's 7.04 as I'm typing this. It took me three hours and sixteen minutes to watch a 2.11 movie because I had to keep pausing for feels attacks. The downside is I have to be up for the day at 11, and I'm not exactly tired right now 0.0 But the upside is pausing gave me time to make a reaction doc, which I'm now C&Ping, for those of you who might be interesting in my extensive Ironman feels.

Read more...Collapse )
2 has perishedhave perished take a bite of my apple?

August 9th, 2013 at 1:36am
The best thing about reading in new fandoms is that you're free to imagine characters looking like your type, not what they actually look like, because you haven't bothered to Google yet.

Otherwise known as:
-I didn't want to read in any of my normal fandoms, so I decided to go back to SGA and read a crossover
-ended up reading a 140k fic that was SGA/Generation Kill
-am now reading random Generation Kill fics
-side character Ray, you are 1000% Ray Toro in my head, never mind that they probably wouldn't let you keep that beautiful hair of yours.
-side character Ray, I like your snark, and as is normal for me, will probably soon go out seeking fic of you/others, and completely ignore what seems to be the OTP of Brad/Nate. Because why read the thing there's plenty of when you can read the thing there's two or three of?
take a bite of my apple?

August 8th, 2013 at 12:03am
One of the things my perfect amazing girlfriend got me for my birthday:
 photo DSC03266_zpsf2bb89ec.jpg

A clone!
(no, that is a lie. I don't need a clone, I'm a time travelling robot apple with a blanket cape wearing sideskick. But check out the badass Punisher shirt! This brings my total of Marvel shirts up to three.)
2 has perishedhave perished take a bite of my apple?

August 5th, 2013 at 1:28am
1) reversebb is at 3.6k. I have 9 days to make 1.4 more k. Suck it, deadline!

2) Doctor Who- your fandom is kind of miserable and shitty. The amount of people complaining today was ridiculous. I'm really glad that this is a fandom where I squee to myself each episode, but move on, except for the very rare read of 11/Rory/Amy triadfic, because reading through tumblr was nothing but squee harshing.
2a) Dude's also Sid's dad in Skins. IE: my favourite character of a British tv show. By the end of this season I will have concocted a great crossover plan.

3) I'm 90% sure I have an ear infection. Monday's a national holiday. Earliest I can see someone without bothering with the emergency room is Tuesday 8am. I'm just gonna take a lot of tylenol to keep the fever I think I have down. And convince myself I shouldn't try to scratch it with a straw or something.

4) a fic I'm writing for kink bingo for a fairly large fandom will be the first tagged with that. Either I'll end up being That Author, or it'll be ignored completely. But whatever, I like being the person who writes shit half the fandom sideeyes.

5) worship is the hardest kink bingo kink there is. Some of the kinks that are considered hard I have no problem with. Like guro was on my card and I wrote one easily, and have about three other guro ideas. For example- necrophilia sounds horrifying until you watch Idle Hands and Seth Green is a sarcastic intelligent teenage zombie, and you're like 'damn, I could totally write you jerking off'. Or furry/plushie. I honest to god have 4 different fics in my head that fit that. I've actually gotten it on every card I've ever signed up for. And I've totally got a vomit-fic in the back of my head if I ever get 'bodily secretions'.

But worship is impossible. It's either body part worship, which I have trouble relating to, since I'm basically a hands off voyeur. Or it's gods and goddesses worship, and I am SO ATHEIST that I barely understand that at all. I can only mentally picture it as a Glory/minions thing, and I can't do a Glory fic since I already wrote Buffy for a different square and I'm getting the 25 fandoms blackout achievement. And I can't think of any other fandom I'm into with gods and goddesses. Unless I speedwatch season 1-7 of SPN to get to the angely bits.

Worship- Y U So Hard?

6) LJ, if you don't let me crosspost this post I will fucking stab you. (And then I will manually post this on you, because I have a fellow Doctor Who lover on LJ)
3 has perishedhave perished take a bite of my apple?

August 2nd, 2013 at 3:15pm
Me in June: yeah, I can totes do this reverse big bang pinch hit, lets handwrite a page or two of brainstorming then tuck it away because it’s not due for forever.

Me in July: oh let’s randomly sign up for Hockey Big Bang (after the deadline is closed, but whatevs, I know the mod) and write that for two weeks before committing to 16 hour days at a theatre festival for the other two weeks.

Me in August: oh, hey, I think after I finish HBB I need to do that other big bang. and also a whole blackout of kink_bingo so i can sign up for a second KB card. and also sign up for that pinn/kinn bb and write one of each. but lets finish hockeybb first. cool beans self? yeah, cool beans.


And on another note, it is impossible to listen to Nicki Minaj's Starships without getting a mental image of that amazing vid.
take a bite of my apple?

July 22nd, 2013 at 12:14am
So, on Friday my cousins all went to Dakota Community Centre, otherwise known as Jonathon Toews Community Centre. They got there kind of early, since my clan is an "on time is late" clan. Also one of my cousins uses a wheelchair, so it was sort of get there first or be behind three rows of standers and see fuck all. There was a large crowd by the time the Toews got there. Apparently they came through a different entrance so no one really saw anyone until the Toews were sitting down. And then Andree spotted Christian (tallest cousin) (no, taller than you're imagining, seriously ridiculously basketball player tall) and she elbowed Bryan and the whole family waved. Just a friendly, neighbourly wave.

The event planner picked up on it and asked my cousins if they wanted to be first in line to hold the cup. They said it was no big deal, since they've still got the pics from 2010, they were really just there to cheer on Jonathon. It wasn't like they'd see him later, he was probably gonna have some big party afterwards. So the guy asked if they'd stand to the side then, so everyone else could get their turns. They started to, because manners.

That's when Jonathon came over and basically thrust the cup at Cam. And when someone tries to pass you the Stanley fucking Cup, you don't not take it. But because he was the first person it was passed to, Associated Press took a picture. And it's pretty much everywhere hockey related right now.

 photo 201307191542565476627_zps50341298.jpg

Which I find hilarious, really, because my other cousins were heckling how deer-in-the-headlights he was looking.

And then Jonathon told Cam to give the cup a kiss. And he did. And there's video of it on It's so inappropriate to want a gifset for tumblr of that, isn't it? (yes, but I don't care because ahahahaha)

So they went home, congratulations said. And then Jonathon called, and asked if they wanted to go to a private party at Tavern United. They said yes, obviously.

Where was I? I was at the Fringe Festival. I've seen 17 plays in 4 days. Sorry fandom, I know I could have asked him something, or done something. Figured out what cologne he wears so you can write more accurate fics. But FRINGE. FESTIVAL. I regret NOTHING.
take a bite of my apple?

July 16th, 2013 at 1:06am
I've been SO SPOILED by ao3. I went to a short story forum today and side-eyed it because stories were voted on, and yet I couldn't sort them by votes to only read the best ones. What is this, clicking them individually like a chump?

Thank you ao3, for making my internet experience so much easier. I love you, and once I have a job and money I will donate. Because <333
take a bite of my apple?

July 2nd, 2013 at 2:57am
I'm not new to the concept of hate-audience. I've watched things in the past for the sheer and sole purpose of complaining about their shittiness afterwards. Actually, about twenty hours ago Vince forced me to watch Hansel and Gretel 2013 (NOT the Clint one, some random one) because it was so bad. Which, yeah. Human beings don't have that many intestines, and they're not rock hard.

What is new, for me, is being a hater for a book. Normally if it sucks I just put it down and pick up another one of the billion I own, or have rented (I generally check out about 50 at a time at the library). But the Maze Runner trilogy was different. I guess because I'd built it up in my mind. It was always with the dystopian books, which is MY JAM, and when I'd speed read at Chapters changing locations ever half hour so they wouldn't kick me out, it was always just low enough on my list to not get to it that that. I always figured it was a cool dark-future version of the Theseus and Ariadne myth.

NO. No it is NOT. It is about stupid people, doing things they know full goddamn well to be stupid, and doing them anyway. And not even in a funny way, like the Jackass films. No, it's shit like being 100% aware that they have memory blocks and not consenting to the machine that unblocks them, despite complaining for the entire book before that life would be so much better if they could ~remember~

By the third book, I was reading it ONLY because I figured a few of the characters would die from their stupidity, and I needed to see it happen. I wanted every single one to die horribly.

3 has perishedhave perished take a bite of my apple?

June 21st, 2013 at 6:01am
Okay, just finished day four of Children of Earth. Ianto is dead. I am displeased.

(like every other person that's ever watched this show)

I guess at this point my next step is to go read my LJ flist from 2009. Because I distinctly remember some "he didn't have to die, Jack could have done [something]" posts, but I can't remember what they say the something was, and the way I watched it, it looked like they were fucked from the get-go. Maybe if you're a hardcore Torchwood fan you see it differently though? Like how in my mind I have a dozen different ways to end Angel season five and X-Men 3.

Makes me wonder how Miracle Day is going to work, though, if it's only Jack and pregnant!Gwen, who can't do any running for long periods of time. I guess maybe the personal assistant that Gwen convinced to come to Torchwood's side might make three?

But Iannnnto ~flails~ I'm gonna need some awesome sci-fi alternate timeline fix it.

And can I just say, that with a population of like eight billion people, losing ten percent would probably actually be really healthy? Like I realise socially speaking, sacrificing children is evil and everything. But logically? Canada could afford to lose 3 million kids. And our pop density is only 8.3 per square mile. USA's is 88 per square mile. UK's is 661 per square mile. We are all the fuck over each other. Weeding out the herd wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

I should go to bed, but I still have ep five to watch, so I won't. #PoorLifeChoices
2 has perishedhave perished take a bite of my apple?

June 18th, 2013 at 5:15am
I've spent the last...six hours flipping back and forth between different journal_fen wanksites. But mostly fandom_wank. Oh god. I can't stop laughing. I'm like hysterical to the point where I think I need to take a lorazapam before i can go to bed.

we're all so fucking crazy! I love us.


(no but seriously there's like quadruple the number of SPN and Sherlock to other fandoms.)

(although to be fair if this was 2004 it would be like 50% HP drama)

(but seriously SPN, you are semi-terrifying in your intense tinhattiness.)

(also, the one where tumblr!Sherlock got mad because some K-Pop released a cd called Sherlock and all of a sudden there was a war over who had the right to use the tag 'Sherlock', and then a few random people uploaded like 50 billion pictures of penises and tagged them with Sherlock and the war stopped because everyone was just so confused? Fuck, I thought I was gonna piss myself.)
take a bite of my apple?

20 entries back
go | earlier|later